Sunday, March 29, 2015

Of Drunkenness and Toddlers

Who would have thought similarities existed between toddlers and drunk people?  I am shocked!  No one ever told me this before I had children.  Here are a few similarities I have noticed:

  • They run into EVERYTHING!
  • They pee on the floor, the wall and in public.
  • They constantly have their hands down their pants.
  • They are not ashamed to pull their pants down in public.
  • They can pass out anywhere at anytime.
  • They are not afraid to steal your food.
  • They trip over objects.
  • They drop every little thing.
  • They slur their speech.
  • They try to dance on tabletops. 
  • They leave hand prints on EVERYTHING!

Jake asleep STANDING up!

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

They Said What?!

B.C (before children) I never realized how much judgment and unsolicited advice I would receive from friends, family and strangers on pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood.  I made a list of some of the most outrageous comments said to me, and what I wish I would have said.

1.      “You had an epidural, huh?  You took the chicken’s way out.” Yes I did, and I make no apologies for it!  Try turning your dick inside out and pushing something the size of a watermelon out the opening the size of a lemon.  Why don’t you stick with what you do best: riding motorcycles and being a douche!
2.      “Why don’t you do childbirth like a real woman and not have an epidural?” Just because you’re a hag that gave birth in the 80’s without an epidural doesn’t mean that I have to be. I’m doing it like a smart woman and getting something for the pain.
3.      “Women have been giving birth for thousands of years without epidurals” Yes and how many of those women died in childbirth?
4.      “You’re going to put your child in daycare?  Don’t you feel bad about that?” I do now jerk! Two days a week is not going to scar him for life, and it works for our family.
5.      “Here’s a book on parenting.” Um…you don’t even have children.
6.      “The reason today’s kids are the way they are is because the mothers are always working, and these kids are raising themselves” I’m a full time working mother and rest assured that my husband and I ARE raising our children.
7.      “You’re choosing to vaccinate your children?  Aren’t you scared that they’ll be autistic?  And what about all of those chemicals that are in vaccines?” Yeah, that McDonald’s hamburger you’re eating has more chemicals than a vaccine.  By the way, stop taking medical advice from a former playboy model and a scam artist that can no longer practice medicine because he falsified his research.
8.      “You’re no longer breast feeding?  That’s a shame because your child would have been smarter. My mom breastfed me for a lot longer” You’re giving a lot of parenting advice for someone who doesn’t even have children. Maybe your mom should have spent less time breast feeding you and spent more time teaching you some tact!
9.      “Your two month old baby is sleeping ALL the way through the night?!  Isn’t that against the rules?” No.  What is against the rules is that your toddler STILL can’t sleep through the night.
10.  “I bet contractions don’t hurt as much as my tooth did before I had a root canal.” No response necessary, just a punch to the face.
11."Oh look, you still have a pooch(while patting my belly 4 days after giving birth). I'm still speechless...