The Third Time's A Charm: 2012

The title of this blog is a book that I bought today and actually finished reading today. I read this book while feeding Jake, while Jake napped, and I finished the last few pages after I put Jake down for the night. I actually went to Barnes and Noble to look for a different book that one of my coworkers suggested I read- The Guilt of Motherhood.

I was taken back when this coworker of mine stated that she read the book. I thought to myself, why do you need this? You are a wonderful mother, what do you have to feel guilty about? As it turns out, she cries about four nights out of the week because of guilt. She says that even though she tries her best, it never ever feels like it's enough for her children. She always jokes with her kids that maybe they'll have a better mom in their next life. Her oldest is fifteen and autistic. She often questions why God made one of her children autistic...I believe her words were, "What the f*** was God thinking? I can't handle this!

Coincidentally those were my exact words when I found out I was pregnant with Jake. At the time, it was extremely difficult to imagine my life with a child. Three days out of the week I worked twelve hour shifts, and that meant I had four days to do whatever I wanted. I had it pretty easy in those days. If it was summer, I'd lay out by the pool at our apartment complex, get my toe nails done, do some shopping, and have a nice dinner with my husband. As a bonus I could have sex whenever I wanted with my husband. When I found out I was pregnant I knew all of that would change, and I was sad. I guess that was the start of my guilt...I felt guilty for not being excited right off the bat when I found out I was pregnant. Then there was guilt because I was worried that my way of life would change when there were women who would give their eyes, teeth, and nose to have a baby. (I'll just throw in I work with some of those...) I had never looked at myself as motherly in any way shape or form, and all I could think was that I am bringing this poor baby into the world and I have absolutely no idea as to what I am doing. Again, more guilt because I felt I wasn't motherly enough. Hell, the first time I met my husband's family I practically had an anxiety attack because of all the kids that were at his parents' house. All five of them to be exact. (Now that number has reached twelve since his brother has four kids and counting, one of his sisters popped out two more, and we have one of our own now) I didn't have the slightest clue as to how to interact with them, I mean what do you talk about with a five year old? Pudding? Paste? Cheerios?

Every night I feel guilty when going to bed. I spend a good thirty minutes thinking I should have let Jake nap longer, I should have introduced green peas before zucchini. I should have gave him more tummy time. I should have popped in a DVD of Baby Einstein instead of Big Love. I should have read more books to him. I lay there thinking I am the most inadequate mother. All of this goes through my mind at night making it extremely difficult to fall asleep. That's usually when the tears start to fall. I try to keep it quiet so I don't wake my husband up, but I'm not always successful on that. The point I'm trying to make is that the book that I read let me know that I was not alone. It gave me a peace of mind that other moms out there struggle with the same thing that I do.

This book provides an honest view of motherhood- the good, the bad, and the downright scary. What really pisses me off about TV shows and people who do not have children yet is that they paint a picture of what motherhood is "supposed to be". And it couldn't be further from the truth. Yes motherhood is an extremely beautiful and rewarding thing; however, it's also tiring, messy, thankless, and strangely competitive. At the beginning of each chapter the author has "mommy confessions" of different mothers who tell their secrets of motherhood, and I must say that I am guilty of a few of these confessions. The author of the book talks about her journey through motherhood in an absolutely hilarious and truthful way. There was one quote from the book that really stuck with me: "I shall remember that no mother is prefect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me"

I'd like to share some things that I vow never to do again since I've become a mother. First and foremost I will not judge how others decide to parent their children. I will not ask the age old question "are you going to breastfeed?" I've learned that it's none of my damn business. I will not treat motherhood as a competition. I will not shoot the parents of a crying newborn on a plane with death glares; instead, I'll give them looks of sympathy and compassion. I will not roll my eyes at a child who is being extremely loud at a restaurant.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I won't be perfect at motherhood, which is hard for me because I have the tendancies to be a perfectionist at times. All I can do is try my best and hope that it is good enough. I'll still have feelings of guilt...I don't know if that will ever go away, but at least I know that I am not alone. And maybe one day my son will come to realize that everything I am doing right now is for him and hopefully he will appreciate it when he has a family.

Let me start off explaining the title of my blog post. It’s a quote from the first season of Grey’s Anatomy. During the first two weeks of my maternity leave I watched the first three seasons of Grey’s Anatomy because I was cooped up at home with Jake. Please keep in mind that I was unable to go out in public with Jake because he had not received any immunizations except for his Hepatitis B shot, and Hamilton County has the highest rate of whooping cough in the state of Indiana. I was not about to take the chance of my newborn baby contracting whooping cough. Back to the title of my blog post, this quote was one of the first things I laughed at on my maternity leave. Some of you might be wondering why…I had some baby blues the first two weeks after I had Jake. I cried at the drop of a hat. So, when I heard Christina Yang say “I blame the babies…they make you toxic.” I couldn’t help but laugh. For some bizarre reason, it made me feel better.

Now let’s talk about Jake’s birth. January 6, 2012 I had my 39 week appointment. I didn’t get to see my OB I saw one of her nurse practitioners. The night before I noticed I had leaked a little bit of fluid. At the time I wasn’t sure if it was amniotic fluid or if I had peed on myself. For those of you who don’t know, when your water breaks you either have a continuous leak or a big gush. I leaked for about one second so I wasn’t in a real rush to call my OB at ten o’clock at night. I went to my appointment and let my NP know about the little bit of fluid that I had leaked, and she told me if it happened again to call the doctor. She didn’t think it was anything to be too concerned about and neither did I. On Monday the ninth I had to work. I woke up and I wasn’t feeling very well, but I decided to go to work anyways thinking I just had to eat something. I made it to work and I start vomiting and having horrible diarrhea. One of my coworkers was nice enough to drive me home from work, and then she went above and beyond the call of duty and drove my car back to my house when she got off of work. How nice is that?! I’m getting ahead of myself. When I arrived home I crashed on our couch and tried to sleep in between runs to the bathroom to vomit and take care of business on the other end…About every hour on the hour until 2 pm I was making trips to the bathroom. Each time I would lay down I would have pain in my lower back. I didn’t think much of it because the couch isn’t exactly comfortable for me to lie on for long periods of time. As the day went on my back pain was getting worse and worse so I thought taking a warm bath my help to alleviate the pain, and it did to some extent. After I was done bathing I put my pajamas on (this was around 7 pm) and then I start leaking fluid for a couple of seconds and then it stops. I called my OB, and she said to come on in to the hospital because I hadn’t felt Jake move at all that day and I was leaking some fluid.

So Michael and I arrived at IU Health North Hospital around 9 pm and we were admitted to the triage area of the labor and delivery unit. The triage nurse took one look at me and said, “You must be having back labor…” How the hell did she know that? I wondered for a brief second if she had three 6’s on her skull. When I was sitting on the bed, I had the head of the bed all the way up in hopes of alleviating the now throbbing pain in my lower back. Apparently that was the give away that I was having back labor. I think what happened next was the worst part for me and for Michael as well because I bruised him and made him bleed. My triage nurse had to swab me to see if what I was leaking was amniotic fluid, and she had to check my cervix to see if I was dilating. Both of those tasks requires one to lay down with your legs spread apart. I guess I should tell you that when you have back labor the only way to alleviate the pain is to stand up and walk. Lying on your back is the worst possible position to be in. So I was swabbed and yes I was leaking amniotic fluid. My OB later told me I had a high tear and that’s why I was leaking on and off. Then came the checking of the cervix…oh how I hated that. My triage nurse was as sweet as pie, but the woman had hands the size of catcher’s mitts. She had to have been a distant relative of Andre the Giant. So she lubed her fingers and went digging for gold. At this time I was squeezing Michael’s hand so hard with my nails that I drew blood and left a bruise. Getting your cervix checked is uncomfortable enough but add back labor to it and it’s just miserable. At that point I was one centimeter dilated and my contractions were very irregular.

Around 10 pm I was officially admitted to the hospital and had a room. I said farewell to my triage nurse and said hello to labor and delivery. At this time an IV was started to give me fluids and to take some blood. About 30 minutes later my labor and delivery nurse (whom I loved by the way) told me I could walk the unit if I wanted. I practically jumped at the opportunity to do so. Michael and I walked around that unit for about an hour. As we were taking one last lap around the unit, I heard screaming coming from one of the rooms. This woman sounded like she was being stabbed over and over. I looked at my husband and said, "That woman in there is screaming." Michael said, "Just keep walking. Just keep walking. You don't need to hear that. Just keep walking." Hearing that woman scream did not do anything for my anxiety. After that last lap my L&D nurse checked my cervix and still only one centimeter dilated (lucky for me my L&D nurse had nice long slender fingers). After my cervix was checked Michael and I went walking again; however, we were both running out of steam. It was 11:30 pm and I had been up since 5 AM and Michael had been up since about 7AM. We made it back to the room and I tried to get some rest but I couldn’t. I thought watching a movie might distract me so I popped in Rocky, and it worked for a short period of time. Around this time my parents and my grandmother had made it to the hospital, and they stayed in the room for a little while. Dad and Grandmother June left the room about 30 minutes after their arrival. Mom stayed in the room and talked with Michael and me for a bit. As the minutes passed my back labor was getting stronger and stronger so I broke down and finally asked for some pain meds around 1 AM, and my nurse gave me a beautiful narcotic by the name of Nubain. I received 10 mg of Nubain, and I was a very happy girl. The second my nurse pushed that med through my IV I felt drunk. I believe my words were “Wow I feel warm and fuzzy. I feel drunk, and I don’t have to worry about a hangover.” Nubain took the edge off the pain, and I was able to get some sleep…

About one or two hours later my nurse came in and informed be that my OB wrote an order to start me on Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin plays a big role in sexual reproduction (sex, childbirth, etc…). I hate Pitocin simply for the fact that it makes your contractions about a hundred times worse than what they already are, and it does NOT help your body dilate. I, unfortunately, had to have it because my contractions were not regular. I started off on 2 mU (millliunits) and was gradually increased to 12 mU.

7 AM rolled around, and it was shift change. My night shift nurse introduced me to my day shift nurse, Cynthia. She was just as amazing as my nightshift nurse, and she had long slender fingers as well. My back labor had subsided, and I was now feeling contractions in the front. I had asked Cynthia for more Nubain, but before she administered the Nubain she checked my cervix and I was barely three centimeters dilated. Unfortunately the Nubain wasn’t as effective as before simply for the fact that it is a narcotic, and you have to increase the dosage to get the same high. At this point my contractions lasted a minute long and I had 20 seconds in between each one before they would start up again. I need to add that Michael was absolutely amazing throughout this whole process. He tried his best to distract me from the pain, but when I told him to stop touching me during the peak of one of my contractions I decided it was time for an epidural…

Ah, the epidural…I can’t say enough good things about an epidural. I asked for my epidural around 10:30 AM on Tuesday January 10. By 11 AM the anesthesiologist walked in my room to give me my epidural…I could have kissed him. It didn’t take as long to get an epidural as I thought it would. All together between the setup and giving the actual thing it took 20 minutes. At 1:30 Dr. Moon (my OB) came in to break my water and to check me, and I’m thrilled I had my epidural at that point because the device she used to break my water looked like a crocheting hook. I was stoked to find out that I had made progress, I was six centimeters dilated! Let me add that I apologized to my OB at this time for the hairy legs and the bikini area that had been left unattended for the past couple of days. 2:30 pm roles around and Cynthia checked me, and I was ten centimeters dilated. Holy shit! It was time to start pushing… Around 3 pm I started pushing. When I started to push I got sick to my stomach and threw up…awesome. I did something totally unexpected too; I let a student nurse watch me give birth. At the beginning of my pregnancy I said absolutely no students whatsoever during this pregnancy journey. That nursing student was just as good as my Cynthia. I’m glad both of us had a positive experience. Anyway, before I started pushing Dr. Moon and Cynthia were not expecting me to push for very long because Jake was sitting so low…So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed and nothing was happening. At some point during that first hour or so I caught Michael looking at my crotch as I was pushing, and I yelled at him “Stop looking! You’ll never look at me the same way ever again!” Then Cynthia pipes in “Yes he will! He’ll find you even more beautiful for bringing your child into the world. Look at his face the next time you start pushing.” So I did and I’ll be damned…his face lit up like a Christmas tree every time he saw Jake’s head. After almost two hours of pushing my OB reached inside me to feel Jake’s head and said, “No wonder he’s not making much progress. The top of his head is hitting your pubic bone. I’m going to try turning his head…” After Dr. Moon turned his head I pushed two or three more times, and Jake was brought into the world at 5:08 PM.

The second Dr. Moon laid him on my chest I forgot about the pain and the exhaustion immediately. I had such a rush of endorphins go through me the minute I held him in my arms. I couldn’t stop staring at this beautiful, perfect creature Michael and I created. I can honestly say it was one of the best moments of my life. I didn’t realize I could love someone so much that I just met. Jake was 6 lb 14 oz and 20 in long and absolutely beautiful.

As soon as I was ready Cynthia took Jake to get cleaned up and to get his APGAR scores. Meanwhile I was still on the bed waiting for Dr. Moon to finish stitching me up. She did a nice job (I actually mustered up enough courage to look about a week ago. I look brand new!)

That’s the story of Jake’s journey into the world. I always wonder what he was thinking during the whole process. It probably wasn’t too easy on him either. Welcome to this crazy exciting world Jacob Ryan Hubbard!