Sunday, January 25, 2015


Dear Baby I Don't Have But Want,

I don't know how I miss someone that I never had.  I never knew I wanted you until after I had Josh.  I am the most selfish person in the world for wanting you...I have two beautiful children who are my world, yet I still want you.

I know I should be grateful for what I have ( and I am more grateful than you or anyone else will realize) because so many people struggle with infertility and want nothing more than to experience parenthood.  I know that I am lucky to have my children.

But I still want you with all my heart.  Josh is only two months old, and I need to focus on what I have in front of me.  I don't know what the next couple of years will bring...maybe I will feel differently, maybe I won't.  What I do know is that I already love you.  I love you, and I haven't even conceived you.

How ironic it is that I went from not wanting children ten years ago to longing with all my heart for a third child.  I'm sure there will be days when I manage not to think of you or days when I'll forget how wonderful pregnancy is and how amazing bringing a newborn baby into the world is.

Maybe one day I'll come to terms with never getting to hold you in my arms or carrying you for 40 weeks.  I'm so blessed to have Jake and Josh, and I know I'm selfish for wanting another child.  It's a feeling I can't explain that well.  Please know this, baby that I want but don't have, I love you.