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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Untitled

Dear Baby I Don't Have But Want,


I don't know how I miss someone that I never had.  I never knew I wanted you until after I had Josh.  I am the most selfish person in the world for wanting you...I have two beautiful children who are my world, yet I still want you.

I know I should be grateful for what I have ( and I am more grateful than you or anyone else will realize) because so many people struggle with infertility and want nothing more than to experience parenthood.  I know that I am lucky to have my children.

But I still want you with all my heart.  Josh is only two months old, and I need to focus on what I have in front of me.  I don't know what the next couple of years will bring...maybe I will feel differently, maybe I won't.  What I do know is that I already love you.  I love you, and I haven't even conceived you.

How ironic it is that I went from not wanting children ten years ago to longing with all my heart for a third child.  I'm sure there will be days when I manage not to think of you or days when I'll forget how wonderful pregnancy is and how amazing bringing a newborn baby into the world is.

Maybe one day I'll come to terms with never getting to hold you in my arms or carrying you for 40 weeks.  I'm so blessed to have Jake and Josh, and I know I'm selfish for wanting another child.  It's a feeling I can't explain that well.  Please know this, baby that I want but don't have, I love you.  


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Josh's Birth Story

Here we are almost eight weeks after we welcomed Joshua Clark Hubbard into the world.  I’m very happy that I blogged throughout my pregnancy as well as videotaped Josh’s birth.  It has given me the motivation to post more as both Jake and Josh grow.  Now, onto the story!

It all started on Saturday November 22, 2014.  I had picked up yet another twelve hour overtime shift at work.  I wasn’t feeling too great when I woke up.  I had a terrible headache all day and some fierce lower back pain that was not letting up.  Around 5 PM I finally laid down in one of the “healing sanctuary” rooms at work.  The pressure in my lower back had finally taken its toll on my body.  While I was laying down I was trying to count how many times Josh was kicking in an hour.  Unfortunately he wasn’t kicking at all, which was unlike every day during my pregnancy.  From 15 weeks up until I delivered Josh constantly kicked and punched his away around my uterus.  After an hour of trying to reach the OB who was on call (Dr. Born) I was told to come to the hospital.   Yet again, one of my coworkers had to drive me to the hospital.  Thanks Donna!!  Donna sped to St. Vincent Hospital in Carmel in record time.  I was officially admitted at 9:00 PM.   

True to form like every hospital, the dreaded cervix check came.  I was 2-3 cm dilated and about 75% effaced.  Around 10 p.m. I moved from the triage room to an actual labor and delivery room.  Can you say déjà vu?  About an hour later I spiked a temp of 100 F and was given Tylenol.  Shortly after, Josh started to have decels.  Lucky for him and me my L&D nurse, Christine, was able to help by repositioning me on my left side.  Looking back I don’t think I moved from that position because I was petrified at what might happen if I moved, and I forced myself not to look at the monitor monitoring the baby’s heart rate.  

 I had far fetched goal to try to deliver Josh without the use of Pitocin…unfortunately my body needed a little help.  I still hate Pitocin, it did nothing but make my life miserable.  It made my contractions that much worse and frequent.  At 10 AM my day shift L&D nurse, Amy, checked my cervix…4 cm and 80% effaced.  Time for an epidural!  At 10:30 Dr. Weber administered my epidural.   That man had the personality of a paper towel…he was kind of a tool, but I’ll cut him some slack seeing as how he was poking me with a ginormous needle and taking the pain of my contractions away.  

I assumed that after I received my epidural my body would relax and have an easier time dilating like last time…totally wrong this time! Amy checked my cervix at 4 PM and I was still hanging at 4cm.  How frustrating is that?!  Later on I found that she had called the OB on call, Dr. Born, around 11 AM asking if she would come and break my water.  Unfortunately, Dr. Born was the only doctor from WHA on call and has privileges at three different hospitals in the Indy metro area.  Apparently the weekend I gave birth every other woman was doing the same thing, and I had to wait my turn.

At 6:30 PM Dr. Born checked my cervix (5-6 cm) and broke my water.  The second she broke my water Josh dropped significantly.  My amniotic sac was blocking my cervix making it difficult for my body to dilate.  By this point in time my parents had been at the hospital for almost 12 hours and were going to head home because I hadn’t delivered Josh.  Their plans quickly changed because right around 8:11 p.m. I was 9 cm dilated.  By 8:23 p.m. I was at 10 cm dilated.  Christine, my L&D nurse, let my body labor down for almost 30 minutes before I started pushing.  It was difficult not to push at that time because your body just takes over, and you have an unbearable urge to start pushing.  Finally at 8:48 p.m. I started pushing…And guess what?  After only thirty minutes of pushing Josh entered the world at 9:18 p.m. on November 23, 2014 weighing a hefty 7 lb 4 oz and 19.75 inches long!




The second I held Josh in my arms I received such a rush of adrenaline…the same way I did with Jake.  All I could think was that I could do this a hundred more times if I got the same feeling.  I can’t say I was too terribly surprised when I found out Josh was a boy.  Towards the end of my pregnancy I had a feeling it was a boy.  Nonetheless, it was a good surprise.  I’m so happy that I made the decision to be surprised with this pregnancy.  I mean how many surprises do you get like that in a lifetime?  And just like that my pregnancy journey came to an end.  It was nice while it lasted, and I’ll always be grateful that I had two amazing experiences with pregnancy.  I’m so happy that I recorded my pregnancy journey with Josh…perhaps that was the biggest lesson learned from Jake.  Take the time to enjoy every second of a new journey, whether pleasant or unpleasant, one day you may find that you miss being on that journey.  As much as I miss my pregnancy I have the awesome opportunity to enjoy my life with two beautiful children and a wonderful husband as well as two clearance dogs.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Josh: The Bump and The Birth

video